Update

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been struggling with depression and not feeling like doing anything. My days consisted of doing nothing at work, while feeling guilty for doing nothing and frustrated at not having anything to do, then coming home and staring at my computer dejectedly until it was time for bed. Things were starting to look up just before Thanksgiving. I was finally qualified to do the job I was hired for over two months before, and I would get to see my man for a whole week. I was also excited to see my family, some of which I hadn't seen in over seven years.

At first things were great, staying up late with my cousins reminiscing. Playing games and just hanging out. Not sleeping alone. We went on a hike, longer than I really wanted to do, but still pretty nice. And I was playing with my new camera all the while.

Then it started to go down hill, just a little at first so I tried to brush it off. People kept bringing up random things I said or did like 10 years ago and using it to tease me more. I was frustrated, isn't there a statute of limitations on that stuff?? I mostly ignored it, but it bugged me. Later, things went farther downhill when I was trying to arrange pictures for everybody and nobody wanted to listen to me.

I wanted to get up early the next day to make sure we could get going early and have enough time to stop for a nice breakfast before dropping my man and the little one off at the airport. But the kids kept me up past 1am, and then I tossed and turned the rest of the night. To top it off my alarm didn't go off at 5 like it was supposed to, I woke a little after 7 when I wanted to leave at 8. So I leaped out of bed rushing to get everything packed and ready. Anybody who knows me knows I am not a morning person, especially when I get less sleep than usual and I HATE being late on top of everything. Normally my man knows how to deal with me in these situations (mostly just leave me alone) but he was stressed too so he antagonized me. And then shit really hit the fan. It devolved into screaming and cursing, even, I'm embarrassed to say, punching and kicking.

To make a long ugly story short, the fight ended with me wandering into the woods with no shoes or coat, and my Uncle taking my man and the little one to the airport while I was trying my best to get very lost. Incidentally my sense of direction is too good and it's near impossible for me to actually get lost. After a couple hours I ended up back at the driveway to the cabin, my man already long gone. My family tread on eggshells around me the rest of the day, which was embarrassing too. I ended up staying one more night and leaving the next morning. I felt empty and ached all over, like a pumpkin that's been hollowed out for Halloween.

We're both recovering and looking for ways to make sure this doesn't happen again. I still feel rough and like there's a hole somewhere inside me that I don't know how to fill. I'm flying to visit my mom for Christmas. My office is closed the whole week of Christmas, otherwise I'd probably stay here. Unfortunately my man has to work that week so I won't get to see him. He's coming to visit for our five-year anniversary in January though. Only 47 days and 23 hours. I have a trip to visit somebody almost every month through May now. I'm focusing on taking it one day at a time, looking forward to the next trip. I've also started swimming again, so I have that to work on too. Next week I'm going to my first Weight Watcher's meeting. And I might try learning how to shoot. I wish it hadn't taken such a horrible experience to set us straight, but sometimes that's what is needed.

That ended up being way longer than I intended... Well I'd probably best get to the store as I haven't bought groceries in over two weeks and my apartment is a disaster.